I pulled up to Central Office alone. Terrified. Unsure of what was to come. My body abuzz with millions of emotions and anxiety.
Just as the day before, I sat down in a meeting across from the same three superintendents and my head principal. One superintendent glared at me with extreme hatred. One looked at me with condemnation in his eyes. One looked at me with great kindness but also great sadness.
I rung my hands together as I listened to them tell me that I could either resign or they would recommend to the school board that I be let go. I stared with wide eyes trying to figure out how any of this had come to be. I could not wrap my mind around this being my life. I was good. I was kind. I was loving. I was broken. In ways I watched from afar at this sad and lonely and pathetic young woman cowering before all these men. I couldn’t quite place myself in this actual story. It wasn’t how it was supposed to look. The world was playing some cruel trick. I could not stop it.
And so with shaking hands, I reached for the notepad that was being extended to me. I scribbled my resignation down in a couple of sentences. I willed the burning tears in my eyes not to fall and I silently stood up and walked from the room. Once again, on my own two feet. Once again, I have no idea how I did not crumple. Once again I think, “she was brave”.
I stepped out into the blaring sunshine. It seemed so wrong to have it shining so brightly and happily. It seemed so wrong that the world was continuing to pass by me at full speed and yet my world was moving in slow motion. Slow and agonizing motion. It was all so wrong.
And there he was, a police officer. My heart stopped completely for a moment then went into double time. Pounding in my chest as he approached. He asked me to come down to the station to answer a few questions and without realizing that I had every right in the world to say no, I obliged.
There are so many moments I wish I could go back and relive. So many that I wish someone had been standing beside me and said, “no”. So many split second decisions I regret. So many things I trusted in that I realize now deserved no trust. So many times I have to forgive the woman I was for being so naive.
And there I found myself in another meeting. Only this time there was just one man sitting across from me. A man of the law. A law in which I once trusted in. I willingly surrendered all that I knew. I voluntarily walked into an ambush. I stupidly threw myself under the damn bus. I spilled my guts.