Day 1 – School

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I don’t know why it didn’t dawn on me. Why what was happening didn’t even register with alarm bells. Why even as the door swung open to show all three superintendents with solemn faces that it did not occur to me that my life was about to change significantly. That as I sat in the chair across from them I didn’t crumple to the floor but sat wide and dry eyed as I listened to their accusations. The words bouncing off of me as if nothing made sense. But maybe that is because nothing made sense.

The air around me became a wind tunnel and their words spun around me with increasing force and yet I remained calm. They asked if I was a threat to our students to which I answered no. Because I am not. Was not. And yet had become. My heart thumped resolutely in my chest. It refused to react. I listened as the accusations came. I listened as they told me I was to gather some of my necessary things and leave the building immediately. I listened as they stated that there was to be an investigation. I listened but I did not comprehend. I was completely removed from the situation whilst being smack dab in the middle of it. I stood with my own two legs and walked back to my classroom. I picked up my purse. An item here and there. I turned to the lone superintendent and my principal that had followed me and asked them to please walk me to my car. I asked them some questions trying to piece together what was actually happening. I drove away.

It had been so long since I had not had every moment of my life mapped out for me that I hadn’t a clue what to do. Where to go. I could not process much of anything and so I drove. Turned one corner than the next. I tried to work through what was occurring. Tried to make sense of it. Tried to wrap my head around the enormity of it all. Tried to downplay it. I saw an entrance to a trail that I had passed a million times and never once stopped at and pulled over. And then I sat. I sat with dry eyes and steady heartbeat and in complete and utter shock.

I could not go to my husband.

I could not go to my parents.

I could not go to anyone.

And so I sat.

Time ticked on. Maybe hours. Maybe not. I reached for my phone and I called my best friend. I matter of factly explained the situation. Scary calm. I was frighteningly calm. She told me, “You have to go talk to him. You do not have to tell him details but just tell him what is happening.”

And so I put my vehicle in drive and went.

X, CK

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