We pulled up to my friend/co-workers house. She had graciously picked up and kept our children after hearing what was happening. It was late at night. Already nightfall.
We walked in and he pushed me aside. I tried to make my way to my children but he picked up our small boys and would not let me near. He demanded that our daughter follow him. And without letting me even hug them, he put them in the car and sped away. Within a few minutes, he sent a text that said that they only cried for a couple of minutes for me and then they were fine. Proof that they would be fine without me. Another stab to my heart.
The floodgates had been opened and could not be shut again. Gone was the shocked shell of a woman and in its stead was a crazed and insane person. The minutes ticked by like hours. The second hand moving at an alarmingly slow speed. I did not think my body could take the chaos. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. The panic was coursing through my veins and there was no rest.
I spent the entire night pacing, vomiting, then dry heaving, and pacing, crying, sobbing, curled up in a ball, pacing, leaning over the toilet, bile escaping, arms wrapped around my stomach, pacing, trying to keep my heart in my chest, CRAZY!
In the spaces between, I had called my mother. At first trying to be cryptic and thinking I could save this story. Eventually telling her the truth of all that had occurred. I expected hatred. I expected her and my father to look at me with nothing but complete and total hatred. To tell me I was not worthy of their love and all they had given me. To wash their hands of me. After all, that is what I wanted to do to myself. But I did not get that. I received a love that was like no other. A love that was unconditional. And in the spaces between, my father called. His words filled with kindness. I fell to the floor in shock at how my parents chose no condemnation and only extreme and unfailing and Godly love.
I spent the longest night of my life in a strange room alone. I had the support and backing of my parents. My best friend answered the phone every time it rang and listened to me shriek and convulse and sob and be silent and supported me all throughout that night. My God was filling that room with his angels to keep me safe from myself even though I did not know it. The ground work was being laid. I was undeniably already surrounded by my army that I had no idea that I would call upon time and time and time again in the next coming years and yet I stood in that room alone.
And as the morning sun eeked through the windows and cast its light on my haggard face and my swollen eyes burned red from all the tears and no sleep and my drained body threatened to fail me, I readied myself to face another day. I wasn’t prepared. I could not do this. I had no choice. I stepped out the door…