I’m not a glutton for punishment.
I don’t go in search of things that will most certainly hurt me. When I knew my monster was cheating on me, I did not dig for evidence. I’m not interested in the many girlfriends he had while we were married and even less interested now that I no longer belong to him in any way. I do not care what they do with their time or money or efforts. Their existence only plagues me by what it does to my children. All three of them.
When I know there are lies published about me, I do not skim the words. I do not seek out the untruths because I do not need them emblazoned in my mind. I know my truths. And slowly those truths are leaking out by ways as simple as me still standing or as obvious as these writings. I only have to be myself to show the world that I am not what it tried to make of me.
But today… today I stumbled upon an account that had been previously blocked to me. And I could not stop my trembling fingers from scrolling through the many pictures. Devouring the memories, smiles, events, laughs, heartaches, performances and more that have been denied to me.
She is beautiful, my daughter. My heart aches. I stare at this screen and I try to come up with the words to describe to you what it feels like to be without her. I cannot. Millions of words in the English language and not one of them can convey the hole that is my heart when it comes to my eldest child. Not one of them can explain to you the thousands of times in a day where she crosses my thoughts and another blow is launched at my being. The way I feel my heart constrict. The way my stomach rolls in on itself as if a fist has actually been physically shoved into it with full force. I cannot tell you how my world stops for a millisecond and I wonder how it even turns anymore. How do I possibly make you understand how this loss sticks with me every moment of every day? I cannot.
It is strange to me how you can feel so many conflicting emotions all at once. It doesn’t seem like it should be possible but I have learned that it is astoundingly real. Today I am glowing with excitement for new freedoms that have been opened up to me. My calendar is saturated with all sorts of plans that make my soul stir with joy. And yet today I am breaking into two as I miss my little girl and see all the photos of a life I have no part of. And so today I momentarily handled these warring emotions by letting myself go on a tangent of hatred. Scattered amongst the many photos of my stunning daughter were “family” photos of my monster, his new victim, and my three children. I took pleasure in thinking that I’m far more beautiful than the woman who has replaced me. For a moment, it made me feel better to lash out. I am human, after all. But that is no place to live and so I pulled myself out of that rut and continued to stare in awe at the woman my daughter has become.
I walk past many acquaintances, strangers, and friends daily. I nod or smile or go about my business. I may stop and have a conversation. I may bow my head down a little and share that life is okay but I miss her. Some don’t even know she exists. And I wonder about how I pass all these people that don’t realize that there is a gaping wound I constantly carry. And it makes me wonder what gaping wounds they carry that I cannot see or possibly know about. And I know that my daughter is carrying around a gaping wound that she wraps in glitter, cute jokes, clumsiness, and radiant smiles.
I’m not a glutton for punishment but I couldn’t stop myself from taking a moment to peer into her life today. To scream out to God, “please bring her back to me!”. I ache knowing that she so beautifully survives a world where she is abused by our monster. I hope she knows that everything that drowns her will only teach her how to swim should she choose. I hope she sees that not all people are humans and is careful where she places her trust. I hope she knows that she is worthy of being loved each and every single day without having to earn it. I hope she knows that hope is real and so is karma. I hope that she digs deep into herself to find that everything she needs is within her. I hope she yearns for the day when she gets to step back into my arms and the world rights itself.
I love you, little girl. I hope for a lot of things but you are top of that list. I just chose to write about it today.